Let’s Hop on a Call!

Got an idea today when I opened my calendar and saw, horror of horrors, a perfectly clean slate.  My To Do list was long—

1.       complete materials for an upcoming presentation,

2.       finalize a proposal,

3.       follow up with two people who have already received proposals, and

4.       draft a partnership agreement. 

But I had nothing actually booked on my calendar, and like so many others, I gauge my value by how scheduled I am. 

On Judgment Day, they’ll look to my calendar and asked what I did with all my time.  I need to fill a block or two.  Better schedule a conference call: 

·         I’ll draft a “High Importance” email, and add an attention-grabbing subject header to turn heads—“URGENT, MANDATORY, ALL HANDS CALL TODAY!!!!”  That ought to do it.

·         I’ll turn the email into one of those Outlook invitations, so when people click to “Accept,” the call will appear on their calendars too. 

·         I’ll have my assistant send the email (I wouldn’t look very busy if others knew I knew how to do anything so administrative). 

·         I’ll intentionally invite many more people than necessary, which will add to the sense of urgency I’m trying to create and demonstrate how far my span of influence reaches. 

·         I’ll include people across many time zones, which will allow us to fill any beginning-of-the-call awkwardness with surfacey questions about the weather in other parts of the world (an international call, of course—I’m big time, baby), and how early or late it is there or here.

·         As the call initiator, I’ll arrive late, so others will be forced to sit in isolated, hold-music-filled virtual chambers, anticipating my arrival with frantic texts to each other—“is anyone else on?”, “it’s 2 EASTERN time, right?”

·         When I arrive, I’ll sound breathless and apologize profusely that “my 1 o’clock ran over” and apologize again that I have a “hard stop at 3” and thank everyone for making the call on such short notice and add “but I think we all agree that with all the emails flying back and forth, we had no choice but to get the relevant parties on a call ASAP.”

·         I’ll begin with, “We have a lot to get through, so let’s get started.”  I’ll state firmly the “purpose for this call,” and list out “today’s jam-packed agenda” and “our desired outcomes.” I’ll pretend I’m throwing these together on the spot, but I’ll have them carefully scripted so I come off as coherent, well-organized, and solid on my feet.

·         I’ll take this call from a conference room so I can put attendees on speakerphone and talk over them and pretend I don’t hear them when they’re trying to talk.

·         Also, I’ll have people from “my side” in my conference room so I can periodically mute our phone and make classic witty jokes at the expense of the rambling dopes from “the other side.”  We’ll all laugh like crazy.

·         I’ll exert my authority periodically and strategically: “Who’s going to take ownership of that?” and “Can we hear from someone over in engineering?  You guys have to weigh in on this, and you’ve been awfully quiet.”

·         With all we have to get through, and with so many people on the call, and with all my witty muted jokes to colleagues and strategically-timed authority exertions, we accomplish little.

·         Promptly at 2:56, I'll say, apologetically, “Hey, I’m going to have to run to my 3.  As I indicated, it’s a hard stop.  Looks like we’re going to need to hop on another call tomorrow to tie up the remaining loose ends.”

·         We'll agree on a time.  I'll tell them I’ll have my assistant “shoot out another invitation” and add that “we can use the same bridge.” 

I'll leave the conference room in a hurry, but pleased.  While we will have accomplished little, we have a plan to move closer to accomplishment tomorrow.  Best part is that I will have taken no ownership of anything other than setting up tomorrow’s call, and now I can actually get to my To Do list.

I’m very busy, you see.  But don’t just take my word for it… take a look at my crowded calendar.

About Sean O'Neil

Sean O’Neil is an expert in workplace and team dynamics.  He is also Principal and CEO of One to One Leadership (www.one2oneleadership.com), a sales and management training firm with clients that include the National Basketball Association, Major League Soccer, News Corporation, First Data, ADP, Xerox, the Oakland Raiders and the New York Knicks.  Sean and John Kulisek co-authored Bare Knuckle People Management:  Creating Success with the Team You Have – Winners, Losers, Misfits and All, which is due to be published in May 2011.  Sean has contributed to or been featured in, among others, The New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Selling Power Magazine and Incentive Magazine.  He can also frequently be seen pacing the sidelines of a youth team he’s coaching.

Got beat by an 8-word email

Yep, 8 freaking words completely altered the course of my day.  I was sailing along, feeling 100% bullet-proof, when all of a sudden the little zinger pinged my inbox.  I clicked it open, read the 8 words, and my good spirits washed out of me in a nanosecond. 

No, the 8 words were not: “Your wife was killed by a great white!” or anything calamitous like that.  (And no, Erin dear, this wasn’t an email from you, so close your Sent folder and keep reading.)

The day-wrecking email, whose sender shall remain anonymous, was this:

“Still no explanation and no statement for February!”

I know, it means absolutely nothing to you—and knowing the sender, I can make an honest case that he didn't send it to harm—but it completely shut me down.  

The sender’s 8 words have been haunting me all day: “Hello?! Anyone home? You’ve completely failed me on two fronts, Sean.  You’ve greeted my completely reasonable requests with silence. What, too busy blogging and promoting your stupid book to tend to your clients? Huh? Stop diddling and get this done.  Ahhhhh!” 

Was it the email’s exclamation point that stung me?  Perhaps.  In email, I am particularly sensitive to:

·         exclamation points,

·         ALL CAPS (stop yelling at me!), and

·         “Please advise.”  (Am I the only one who hates “Please advise.”?  It so smacks of condescension that I literally wince every time I read it.  “Look, schmuck, you screwed this up and now you better fix it.  It’s entirely on your shoulders.  God help us.  Please advise.”  Ugh!) 

Or was it what the sender didn’t say that got my little panties caught in a bunch? 

“Dear Sean, I’m sure you’re slaving away on so many earth-moving and monumental things.  But when you get a moment in your busy life, I'd love to know the answer to my relatively unimportant question.  Oh also, I'd like to see the February statement.  Love you! Me”

Now look, nearly everyone who’s ever emailed me anything has faced a question or two from me about the (real or imagined) message behind the message.  Among my friends and associates, I am notoriously thin skinned, and routinely read into emails and agonize over, among other things:

·         what’s written and not unwritten,

·         punctuation,

·         subject headers, and

·         where I fall on the sender’s distribution list. 

For the record, I realize I’m crazier about these things than most, though check out this reinforcing clip from Stephen Colbert:

This post has three cautionary messages for you, dear reader:

1.       When emailing me with a call for action:  Be careful what you write and don’t write, how you punctuate, and how your subject header reads.  And always be sure to put me near the top of your distribution list (otherwise, I’ll be convinced I was added as an afterthought, burst into tears, and stop reading).  For what it’s worth, I still haven’t provided the explanation or February’s statement.

2.       When emailing others with a call for action:  Think about whom your sending your emails to, and think carefully if they’re remotely as paranoid-afflicted as I am.  If they are—or even if they might be—wrap some love into those emails.  It’ll only take a second longer, and it’s likely to keep your audience feeling bullet-proof, and keeping them focused on getting you what you need.  This isn’t about doling out warm fuzzies for the sake of doling out warm fuzzies.  This is about managing the many and varied personalities in your world, and reducing the drama so you can get your message across and get your requirements met.

3.       If you’re the Anonymous 8-Word Emailer, and have been willing to put away your selfish needs long enough to read this post:  I am paralyzed by the trauma you inflicted on me.  The next time we speak (which might not be for weeks, because I’ll be actively avoiding your calls and follow-up emails), I will consider forgiving you, but only if you first apologize to me without me tipping off to you what I’m so upset about.  In the meantime I’ll consider giving you an explanation, but don’t even think about getting your February statement. 

About Sean O'Neil

Sean O’Neil is an expert in workplace and team dynamics.  He is also Principal and CEO of One to One Leadership (www.one2oneleadership.com), a sales and management training firm with clients that include the National Basketball Association, Major League Soccer, News Corporation, First Data, ADP, Xerox, the Oakland Raiders and the New York Knicks.  Sean and John Kulisek co-authored Bare Knuckle People Management:  Creating Success with the Team You Have – Winners, Losers, Misfits and All, which is due to be published in May 2011.  Sean has contributed to or been featured in, among others, The New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Selling Power Magazine and Incentive Magazine.  He can also frequently be seen pacing the sidelines of a youth team he’s coaching.

Small People Suck

Got nothing against little people. (At 5’8”, some would say I should include myself in their ranks.)  It’s the  Smalls I can’t stand.  Small, as in petty.  Been battling the Smalls my whole life.  They’re everywhere and, like vampires, they suck the life out of you and turn you into one of their own.  Maybe that’s why Smalls appear to be growing in number.

Here’s a classic exchange I had recently with a Small – I’ll call him Small Bob – after my partner and I lost a tough platform tennis match against a rival club.  For the uninitiated, platform tennis, casually known as paddle, is a racket sport that falls somewhere between tennis and racquetball.  Paddle is played outdoors during the winter.

All juicy Small stories have back stories, and the one regarding Small Bob is this:  I picked up paddle a few years ago, and having played tennis most of my life, I’ve become fairly good in a relatively short time.  I play every chance I get, which helps.  My wife would tell you I’m paddle addicted.

Bob has been playing paddle forever, and in recent years has fallen from his place among the area’s better players. Bob might not be 100 years old, but on certain days, when it’s really cold and he’s clinging to a post-paddle, half-consumed beer and has a cigarette dangling from his lips, he might look it.  (Ok, that’s Small Sean talking.  Shame on me.  See, Small Bob is turning me into a Small!) 

My paddle partner is Bill – paddle is almost always a doubles game.  Bill is the Roger Federer of local paddle players.  He’s built like a brick shithouse, runs like a gazelle, and has a knack for making opponents look ridiculous with his crazy spins and dazzling backward, between-the-legs shots.  He’s not nationally ranked, but could be.  Bill is a paddle stud, and I’m lucky to be partnered with him.  Everyone knows it. He knows it (but would never say).  I know it, and joke about it freely.  And some, like Small Bob, know it, and take every opportunity to remind me just how lucky I am to be paired with someone as skilled as Bill. 

Here’s the exchange after the match the other night:

Small Bob:          Nice playing, Bill.  You played well.

Me:                        Um, thanks…but I’m Sean.

Small Bob:          Yes, I know.  I was talking to Bill.

Me:                        (feeling shittier already) Oh.      

Small Bill:            (smiling sarcastically) Don’t worry, Sean.  We’ll get you a good partner one of these days.  I’ll see what I can do to get you paired with someone who can actually play.

Me:                        (slouched over and moving toward my car, muttering under my breath) Go to hell, Bob.

Smalls are a nightmare.  They’re adept at finding the right buttons to push, and when you wince in pain after they press the right one, they zero in on that button.  Knocking you down seems to make Smalls feel bigger. 

I’ve tried everything to minimize the impact of Smalls on my life:

·         Ignoring them:  they know you’re listening and wincing inside…they’ll just keep coming

·         Yelling at Them: sure, then you look like the lunatic because others don’t know the back story

·         Trying not to Let it Bother You: yeah, right

·         Be Small like They Are: then they’ve beaten you

·         Confronting them Appropriately about their Smallness:  they’ll greet you with shock and utter ignorance

I’ve spoken with Bill about Small Bob countless times, and Bill assures me that he faced the same treatment from Small Bob when he picked up the game and was rising through the ranks.  After giving this some thought, I’ve determined that Bill is so self-assured about his level of play that Small Bob’s jabs eventually lost their sting.  Pushing buttons that cause no pain seem to cause Smalls to look elsewhere.

Maybe I’ll get better at paddle and work on my self-assuredness.  Or play with a worse partner.  Or run for the car after I lose the next time.

Not sure what to do. I just hate those Smalls.

About Sean O'Neil

Sean O’Neil is an expert in workplace and team dynamics.  He is also Principal and CEO of One to One Leadership (www.one2oneleadership.com), a sales and management training firm with clients that include the National Basketball Association, Major League Soccer, News Corporation, First Data, ADP, Xerox, the Oakland Raiders and the New York Knicks.  Sean and John Kulisek co-authored Bare Knuckle People Management:  Creating Success with the Team You Have – Winners, Losers, Misfits and All, which is due to be published in May 2011.  Sean has contributed to or been featured in, among others, The New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Selling Power Magazine and Incentive Magazine.